Since being diagnosed with the dreaded ‘C’ word, people keep asking the question, “How are you doing?” or, “How are you feeling?” Weird as it sounds, it’s not an easy question, and most of the time the answers I give feel inadequate and sometimes trite.
I haven’t been started on any treatments for the disease just yet; everything so far has just been diagnostic work, so I don’t really feel much different than I did before the diagnosis. Physically I feel pretty much fine, with the obvious exception of the post-operative pain in my mouth, and feeling somewhat incomplete with those two teeth missing, and feeling out of sorts because of the medications I’m taking. And I’m always feeling like I’m missing out a bit on some of my favorite foods, because the pain in my teeth makes eating anything that requires chewing a bit difficult. I sometimes feel a little melancholy, and a little weepy when I’m feeling sorry for myself. But mostly, I’m just Dave. At least so far.
But when I think of the many ways that I’m blessed, I can’t help but be thankful. Thankful for the wonderful wife who puts up with my whining about all the things that are wrong, and puts up with my spontaneous pity parties… Not only is she a great wife and support through all of this, she’s also trained as a nurse; yes, this whole business is different than the world of labor and delivery where she works, but the fact that she is there listening to what the doctors tell me with her medical ears is more than huge. Likewise for my soon-to-be-a-doctor-daughter; it was a total God-thing that Emily was done with some of the heavy lifting she had in med school last month and staying at home while I was going through many of the diagnostic appointments in the last couple of weeks. Having them both with me at every appointment meant so much to me, I can hardly express it.
I’m also thankful for the many friends and relatives who have expressed their concern and offered to pray for me, and have prayed. Last week, a friend stopped me at church & said that if he had as many people praying for him as I did for me, he could do anything; I responded that I hate to think how much worse things would be if they weren’t praying for me… And it’s true; the effect of prayers of God’s people on my behalf has been huge, and very evident to me. Another friend at work last week said that when she was told of my condition after seeing me in the break room, she thought sure it was a case of mistaken identity because I didn’t look sick at all; on the contrary, she said I appeared to have a glow about me that was new… The glow certainly wasn’t me, as I haven’t felt all that great, so I can only attribute it to something else, and attributing it to the prayers offered on my behalf only makes sense.
I also need to say that I am thankful for a good health insurance policy. I was just looking at My Sanford Chart, which shows all of my medications, my appointments, and my billing information. So far, this whole adventure has cost upwards of $40,000, and it’s all been outpatient care. I haven’t had a single overnight stay at the hospital, and hope to keep it that way, because that total would be more than doubled if I had. Even so, insurance has covered all but about $1,300 of what’s been billed. I have no idea how we would pay that if not for insurance.
And that makes me extremely thankful for my job and my employer, without whom I would likely not have such good health insurance. And the people I work with have been extremely flexible with all the appointments I’ve had to keep the last couple of weeks, and have made it clear that I can expect the same as we head into the treatment phase of things.
I haven’t reached the point where I’m thankful for the disease that I have. Nor am I thankful for the unknowns surrounding this whole ordeal. How long will it take to get rid of it? Will I get rid of it? How did I get it? I suppose the answers will come, maybe. And there may come a time when I see how God has worked through this illness to build something better in me, but for now, I’m not so thankful for the trial.
At any rate, I think from now on when people ask how I’m doing or how I feel, I’ll just answer, “Thankful.” Mostly because I am. Thankful, that is.