Since my track record for keeping past New Year’s Resolutions has been pretty poor — I usually end up headed in the opposite direction of what I resolve to do — I thought this year I’d maybe try a little reverse psychology. Maybe I’ll actually get where I want to go.
So, I hereby resolve to…
- Gain weight. I’m thinking at least 40 pounds. Just more of me to love, right?
- Not even think about exercising. I’d resolve to quit exercising, but I can’t very well stop if I’m not doing it in the first place. Total waste of time.
- Read less, and I’ll hide my Bible. Quiet time? Devotions? Spiritual disciplines? Who needs them?
- Watch more TV. I might even break down and get cable. From what people at work talk about, I’ve been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Then again, maybe I’ll wait & do that next year.
- Take up a new habit: Maybe drinking. And smoking would be good too. And as long as I’m at it, I’ll start hitting the casinos.
- Spend more time at work.
- Spend less time with the wife & kids. That only deepen any emotional attachment to them, which interferes with #7.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
- Stop going home for lunch or bringing a sack lunch to work: We all need to do our part for stimulating the economy, and fast food restaurants play an important role in that, right?
- Quit giving money & time to charity. It’s time to let someone else develop character in that way.
- Sell my car and buy a mid-’70’s Camaro or Monte Carlo with a really loud stereo system, mag wheels, air shocks and wide tires in back. I’ll also need to grow a mullet to complete the image.
- Shower and change clothes once a week, whether I need it or not. A guy has to do his part to to reduce water usage.
- Cash out my 401k accounts. The markets are going nowhere fast, and just think of the fun I could have with all that money.
- Stay up later still every night. Think of all the late-night TV and web browsing I can get done instead of sleeping. Most days at work I feel like I’m spinning wheels anyway, so showing up half asleep shouldn’t affect a thing productivity-wise.
Well, that should pretty much do it. Here’s hoping I keep a perfect track record. Of failing to achieve what I resolve to do.
Tags: 2009, resolutions